The Santoor and me...

Its been really long since i have written. U need to be in a certain mood to be able to write.I experience springtides of writing at times and have to sit with my laptop to flush out the outpour of words in me. I almost feel my heart swell when i delay in doing so.. I can feel the same rush today.. Its been so long since i have felt it. I almost accepted that it's gonna never to return, but now, i'm happy that it's finally come back.. :)
It was in the year 2007. My HOD, Mr. Venkateshappa, called me to his chamber. I went in asking myself if i had giving anyone a reason to complain :P..
Our college had set a dress code for us. We wern't supposed to wear jeans.. A notice had once been put up dat said, "Boys are adviced to wear only formal trousers. It has been observed that some girls wear ugly clothes. Girls are adviced to come in decent salwar khameez to college." We could interpret everything except for the word 'ugly'.. What on earth was that supposed to mean!! We encircled it, drew an arrow mark and a question mark too when der was nobody to check on us :P ..The notice barely made any difference. We still wore jeans to class..
I was in my blue jeans nd white shirt on dat day..(my favorite white shirt...i luv its cuts) I didn't want to be dictated what i should wear. I didn't want to be given a lecture. That was the only possible reason he could have.. couldn't think of any other..
I entered the chamber and saw another lec hu taught us control systems dat semester.. I wud take his notes only when he wud pass by me.. :P The rest of the tym wud be spent making funny comments nd creating wierd stories on his infamous paunch wid my frns :P I was wondering if he said something to the HOD.. I took a deep breath, smiled and greeted them both. They smiled back. "Come in Ishma. How r u? We just received an invitation from MVIT.. They have a music concert today at their campus. Our college has been invited. Pt. Shivkumar is performing. What do u suggest? Should we go? who is he? Classes will have to be cancelled if we plan to attend it..." By the time he finished speaking a hundred thoughts had crossed my mind. Starting from relief for not having been called to be reprimanded for any reason to exhileration i felt it all.. I had decided that i must attend that concert come what may. I thought, "Should we go?? What a Qn was that?? He's a maestro damn it!!"
The Santoor is my favorite musical instrument. I just can't stop falling in love with it.. The first time i heard this magical instrument was while i was recording at a studio for the BGM of a musical. We had taken a break for lunch. I was the youngest artist there.. barely 15 yrs sold.. Everyone else were over 30. They would pamper me all the time and joking call me a manager because i wud do all the little things like make notes for them etc apart from the main job which was to sing.... The instrumentalists had just finished their recording.. mine and the male singers' aalap was due.. That was post lunch..As i listened, that one sound, the sound of santoor had captured me.. It drew me closer and closer to itself.. I chose not to go for lunch with the others dat day.. I said i'm not hungry and and stayed back at the studio..After everyone left i walked up to that enamouring instrument.. I dunno why but i felt nervous..may be because no artist wud like another lay person touching their instrument(every true musician pays huge respect to his instrument..)and that too in his/her absence..But no.. it was not just that..I still remember dat feeling.. I picked up the mallets.. I was scared to strike the strings.. I had heard such enchanting sound from it.. I didn't want to break out of that captivity.. I almost felt like i wud disrespect it by trying my hands on it as a novice.. Finally i managed to gently strike the mallets against the random strings.. It still sounded great..
The santoor is such a wonderful creation dat every sound it makes is enthralling...
"Yes sir. We must go. Pt. Shivkumarji is a santoor player.. Moreover, he's a Padma Shri and a Padma Vibhushan.. We shouldn't miss it..",said I. It took me a while to convince him that he must cancel our classes and take us to the concert but i finally managed to do so..
Most of my fellow students were excited only because they wudn't have to attend boring classes..Who is interested in classical music anyways..? The transport was arranged and in an hour we reached the venue. The huge hall was packed with students and other music lovers..All seats were full. None of my fellow mates were ready to stand thru the entire concert or sit down on the carpets dat had been spread out after all the seats were full..
I managed to cram myself up somewhere in between...anything for music.. how does the place matter when u have a legend performing before u? ;)
In d next 30 mins my college mates left. So did the lecturers. I told dem i'll manage my way back home and stayed back.
He played. He conquered.
He also understood that a lot of the young college goers might not be able to relate to pure classical and played quite a bit of contemporary too.. He floored every person in the hall.. It takes a great talent to make hundreds of rock loving youth not only to applaud classical music but also ask for more..

The santoor basically is of persian origin but Shivkumarji gave it completely new dimension. His playing is consummate, never below par. The whole combo is flawless- Santoor, Shivkumarji, persia, Kashmir(dat's where was born and he got his taleem from).. I was in a state of trance by the end of the concert.. I wished even Rahul Sharma wud have been there to perform. It wud be great to see the father-son duo on stage together...Also, he was the new rage among the youth during that tym for both his music nd his looks :P
It happens everytime.. even to this day.. everytime i listen to the santoor, i feel some sort of fullness in side me.. I dunno if i can explain it the rite way..but something creeps upwards starting from my gut till it reaches my heart till it swells and then my mind..and my soul.. I feel tranquilized..elevated to another state of being.. How could something so great nd Godly be created by man? How could something be so magnetic..so magical.. The only word that could describe it aptly is 'divine'. I deliberately pull myself thru everytime i listen to it bcoz it entraps me in way dat is almost scary..almost hypnotising...I go thru similar feelings when i listen to Chinese music.. But nothing like the santoor in Shivkumarji's hands..My eyes turn moist by the tym i finish listening.. I listened to Shivkumarji's hamsadhwani once and it took me a while before i cud shake myself out of its bewitching charm..
Here's a link to the d same..http://www.esnips.com/doc/cdc6533f-2958-4923-b081-0a428a9a4ff9/Raga-Hansadhwani---Alap,-Jod--Gat

We had a question answer session post performance and he obliged kindly to every Qns from the audience.. I waited for him to come out of the hall.. I just wanted to be around him for a while.. There is a certain aura exuded by such great artists.. U gotta be around them to understand what i'm trying to say.. U can actually feel the positivity nd Godliness around them..

It was almost 8 in the evening and i was 35 Kms away frm my house.. I managed to catch hold of a bus driver of another college and requested him to take me along..He offered me a ride till my house along with many other students :)

Kindled poetess..

I can see me in you,
can feel me through you,
we could be soul clones..

You are a bit of everything,
sometimes too familiar,
sometimes an outlander,
Like a distant horizon..
so near..yet so far..

I think i know you,
we are the same after all..
But, there is something between us,
something that tells me,
i dont know you at all..

All i know is that,
i want us to be together..
till on our lives creeps,
the final nightfall....

-Ishma

smiling under pressure...

It was a hot sunday afternoon. The roads were empty and it was a comparitively quick ride to Guruji's house..Time hardly mattered on that day.. I was lost in Ghulam Ali Khan Sahebs' euphony.. I repeatedly listened to 'Ranjish hi sahi', a ghazal, for two reasons. One being that it is in raag yaman, the one i am presently learning and the other being the wonderful composition itself.

I got off the bus and was about to cross the road. There were vehicles approaching from the other direction so i had to wait for around five minutes for the traffic to clear. I stood on the central median and lowered the volume of my mp3 player so as to be able to hear honks just in case.. I looked around, trying deliberately, to distract myself from the melliflousness till i reach the other side..

A couple caught my sight. The man seemed to suffer from polio.. He had very weak legs. They hardly supported him. Even the crutches did little to support him. He was accompanied by a lady who was blind. I assumed her to be his wife. May be because i saw a little girl with them. She looked like she was just 6-7 yrs of age.. They walked slowly towards the bus stop taking support of the railings. They little girl was very chirpy. She hopped and jumped through her way, stopping from time to time for her parents to catch up with her. Their slow pace was posing an obstacle to other better blessed mortals around them. I could see some of them sigh in agitation. Some even gave the couple a glare out out displeasure. However, all this had little effect on the couple. They seemed to be impervious to the sighs of the people around them. I noticed a gracious smile on their faces. The smile lingered unaffected throughout... They had calm expressions and the serenity of their faces could not go unnoticed..

The little girl who was a few steps away from her parents took an abrupt turn and ran towards her father. She did a little jig in front of them and laughed out loudly..From her animated talk, i could interpret that she was persuading him for something. I couldn't hear what though.. To my amazement, the man handed over one of his crutches to his wife, took the support of the railings and with great difficulty lift one of his feeble legs and did the same jig.. I felt a pinch in my heart when i saw him doing that... The little girl burst out into peals of laughter followed by the chuckles of the lady and the man...

How many times do we count out blessings?? How many times do we share our smiles?? How often do we thank Almighty??

The couple and their daughter soon got lost in the crowd.. I looked to my side. The traffic had cleared lang ago. I reached the other side and increased the volume. It took me a while before i could get engrossed in the song... The smiles had captivated me..

Strictly unwarranted :P

This could be the silliest blog ever been written. But, isn't this supposes to be my space?? So, i'll write what i want to..!

I wasn't feeling very good yest. So, lazed around for quite sometime bcoz i didn't feel like doing anything else. Didn't even practice music for long enough bcoz it just didn't flow from my heart..Dat's how it goes with me when even little things go wrong between me and those whom i love. But dat wasn't for long. We sorted out everything in a few hrs.. :) Watched sweet home Alabama. What a movie! I particularly loved the scene in which Reese ridicules her friends at the bar while trying to cover up her flaws.. I think it was well shot with minute details taken care of..

Anyways, i was watching the climax when mom and dad returned home. They had bought a bar of yummy plum cake with dem.. Now dat is something! Mom sat down beside me and handing over the box of cake to me said,''Cut four slices for each one of us". I waited for the movie to end and as soon as it did, mom repeated the same line emphasizing on 'four' this time..

I picked up the knife and cut 'four' neat slices. But then.. :P ...the aroma had already benumbed my conscience. So i stealthily looked around and began cutting another piece..gobbled it up before i cud get spotted.. :P

My senses were dead now. I cut another slice and killed the already dead senses once again..Hey, i said they were dead. How cud i kill something thats dead?? I can't think anymore over this..my senses are yet to recover... :P [For those hu are tearing their hair, i have already mentioned that this is the silliest blog...u still chose to read it! thanks :) ]

A while later, my sister came home. I went back to cut another slice for her. greed had touched its peak now. I put another slice into my tireless mouth for it to savour. So by the time i went to bed i had bolted down four large slices of plum cake while mom thought her "obedient" lil' girl had eaten only one. :P

As i lay on the bed last nyt, i wondered what explaination i wud give her when she wud notice the size of the cake bar which had reduced to one third it's original size.. I guess i slept soon after.. But my senses were coming to life..They showed me a dream. I'll tell you about it..I liked the dream so much though it was quite silly and illogical..not as silly as dis blog though.. :P

I dreamt dat mom brings home some cadbury chocolates...the plain ones. I just love them :) I wud like to share something at this point..I have always luved the cadbury range of chocolates. They are much more scrumptiously delightful than the nestle or amul or the ones my aunt brings for me frm the US..As a kid, it was my secret fantasy to marry the son of the owner of the cadbury company so dat i cud get to eat as many chocolates i want.. :P Well.. i even desired to marry the son of Parle Co. too for a few days when i had become a frooti fan :P

Coming back to my dream, i steal some of those chocolates while mom is busy doing some paperwork. Man..was i a thief in my last birth?? I am stealing in my dreams too..!! I was relishing the gradually melting chocolate when my mom called out to me from behind. I tried answering her but had to shove down that brown, heavenly flux down me in order to be able to speak.. But to my shock and horror, the melt began to thinken in my mouth..!! In seconds it solidified, immobilising it!! I couldn't talk! I woke up startled and gave a huge sigh :P ....I smiled thinking how silly and comic the dream was but was also relieved that it was just a dream.. :P

Senses are so much better...dead! ;)

Satori..

i'm on the verge of starting a new chapter in my life...this transition phase has taught me a lot of new lessons..lessons dat i'll never forget..lessons for life..
Somethings in life are just not in our hands..no matter how much you wish for something, u'll always get only what you are destined to hav..Your dreams, hopes, expectations just don't make any difference..Many times, infact, most of the time you may find yourself getting much lesser than what you believe you deserve..But, u got to live wid what u get.
I am not discouraging dreaming or hoping but i'll say don't expect.
The next lesson i learnt is dat its very important to think before you speak..before u make a promise...before you ignite hope..
Everyone can't have everything..we have to compromise in many aspects..
If you feel sorry for your self seeing another person hav something what you hav always desired for, even if she/he doesn't value it, you are just being foolish...accept facts buddy.
Your desire won't change your fate.
Life ain't easy indeed...especially if u aren't d laidback kinds..To gain d pleasure of one thing, u need to bear the pain from another..
Thinking about onself matters...I'm not sure to what extent..but i am sure it matters... Living for others is a myth..nobody values all that anymore.. Actually, i knw dat's sad.............. Whatever!!
Lastly, society kills society. There's a hypocrite in each one of us no matter how much we deny it..
I might be sounding like a sadist, philosopher, sociologist. Trust me, i am not glad to be writing all this too..But alas, this is the dark TRUTH.
Now i knw why ignorance is bliss...
Naah...i'm no broody gal.. I'll pick up the pieces and turn them into a beautiful collage..will stand up and walk upright..look straight into the eys of life...dis one short life of mine..
I must say i hav been lucky. Blessed infact. Almighty has always made sure to bless me with atleast one person at all times hu stands by me when life turns too much of a burden for me to handle..I take as much as i can and leave the rest to be handled by that person... Now again, everyone can't be so lucky.. But for those who are, i'll say cherish the presence of that person...it cud be anyone..from your parents to your friend..treasure him/her..
It's actually getting interesting now..Just when i think i have all the answers, life changes the question itself...!! And once again its a new challenge, a new race...
Now when i see life posing a new quest for me, i laugh at it, sigh and then go for it. I fight back wid love, passion...It's like, why bother about the consequences when i have nothing to lose anymore?? But this laughter is no ordinary one..it's a mix of amazement, amusement, mockery nd fear...for u never know..u never know...
I sometimes wish i was still ignorant...life seemed so much simpler then.. But again, i shall wish, try, hope, dream, pray...but not expect..
Cheers to my life!!

the last two weeks..

The last few weeks have been so strenuous dat i'm not letting go of any channel to flush out my frustrations..i'm writing now for the same reason. Writing, i have heard, is a great way to de-stress.
Here's problem one..I'm already beginning to feel how trivial my reasons are :P...Writing does help indeed :P
I have a seminar to give dis week in college n have been trying to get my topic approved from the past 2 weeks but in vain.. some or the other problem wud crop up in d middle of nowhere n my topic wud go down the drain..not once or twice..i have lost count now.
Now coming to problem two. Now this is something dat would vex anybody. i bumped into a drunken stranger..i wud like to call dat stranger a rock because der was pain in my shoulder for 3 weeks almost..It was den dat strange things began to happen..2 weeks later while i was crossing d road wid half shut eyes { i was exhausted after sitting in front of the comp for "7 hrs" at a stretch in college looking for seminar topics...! }, BANG!!! I got hit by a bike...again on my left hand...! my poor hand..my poor brain { the whole seminar issue had fried half of it already} poor me...
Dat's not all..2 days back, while i was passing by a petrol bunk, i cudn't see an approaching scooter wid a fat couple on it. Actually, an auto rick was blockin my view..i got hit again and on the same hand...!
i have never believed in curses but half of my brain{the other half was fried u see..} was reconsidering d ideologies dat it followed for 2 decades...!
me still busy wid seminar wrk.. i can't wait for this wednesday when i'll be done with the seminar..
i'm feeling so much better now... writing does help...! :)